I feel like a kid now, and I doubt that's a good thing. Recently, I keep craving for attention from F and it feels as though I would explode if I didn't get it. Not of anger though? Am I becoming overly dependent on him? I don't want to.. Because if one day something happens, and he leaves me, that's it. I wouldn't know what to do. But I don't think he would unless I become a witch. Sigh, I hate this clingy me phase. Especially with the fucking haze in Singapore (PSI 400+) that's able to drive you nuts by forcing you to stay indoors.

I'm trying to study Econs because I doubt mid years will be cancelled haha. AND IT AIN'T WORKING OUT WELL. ONE MORE WEEK AND I STILL CAN'T FIND MY MOTIVATION. GOTTA BUCK UP SOON I GUESS :(

A levels are driving me nuts.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what I wanna do in the future. I'm eighteen and no longer a child - I can't expect my parents to be there for me all the time. And that's what's gotten me so, for lack of a better word, confused. I wanna be able to live comfortably and happily, do whatever the hell I want. But I'm not confident of doing that without going through this stupid education system. I don't wanna be like the rest in society and join the rat race to reach the top. Procrastinating, yeah I guess that's what it's called at this point of time.

Midyears are in two weeks and I can't bring myself down to study, even now. He did influence me in bits and pieces, in more good ways than bad. Ever since he came into the picture, I've seen so many things. Live to be happy and not happy to be living. That's probably the biggest takeaway so far. I hate society for imposing stupid standards on people. Dad and mum always think that being a "big doctor" or "lawyer" is the end goal for me but no, that isn't what I see as the end goal. Yet, I haven't been able to tell them that. I don't think I ever will..

So many things have happened within a year.

I do feel genuinely happier now though, knowing that there's something to live for. A year ago, I was way more confused about my direction in life, about people, about everything. But now, I'm a little clearer. Yeah, I still ain't sure what career I wanna pursue but at least I know what's most important now - Happiness.

This is probably what they call growing up.



Giving up seems easy. It's just like flying a kite that's going hard and fast against the wind, out of your control, and at that point, letting go and giving up of the kite seems like the easiest way out. Right now, I want to let go of my kite as well. I don't seem to know where I'm going anymore in life. I'm uncertain, afraid, lost and simply unhappy. Today in Literature class, I asked Ms Jay whether we owe our lives to our parents, don't we get to do the things we want? Why do we need to please them? She said, you'll understand the pain your parents went through, trying to raise a child when you get older. I know I can't expect perfect parents and I love them the way they are, but F once told me this - Yes it's true that you owe your parents a lot, but not to the extent of living your life FOR them. Why do people have kids? Isn't it out of selfish reasons? So that in the future there's someone to take care of you?

Yeah. I guess he's right.
Being a lawyer, doctor, someone who earns big bucks - that's all just to please my parents. I do want material possessions (Money, A big car, a pretty house with many people waiting on me and all the food I can eat) but is it worth working so hard, doing something I wouldn't enjoy? Just for material goods? How about the non-material stuff?
As I grow older, I start to lose confidence in myself. I can't seem to do anything right at this point and it irks me. What happened to that girl who didn't give a damn to what people think? It's hard now, because people all around judge you. It's easy to say "Nah I don't care about what people think" but I do. I don't want to become a burden to people, by pouring my troubles out to them all the time cause heck, they would have their own things to worry about.

It's ridiculous. I'm only seventeen. There's so much more I haven't seen and done and yet, I'm already feeling so pressurized. What has happened to the world? Haha. It's so bloody stupid.

I know I've gotta pick myself up, get a grip and press on.

I know I'm a lucky girl, and instead of harping on the things I don't have, why not look at what I do? But it's hard, considering how the negatives always outweigh the positives.

 I just need something to "click" inside of me, to finally piece everything together and realize what it is I want from myself.



Dearest  ♥,

One day, I'll hold your hand and board this train. It'll take us to somewhere far away, where it's just gonna be the two of us and nobody else. That's right, just me and you sweetheart.  Don't worry, I'll take care of myself in Vietnam and come back in one piece :)  You must promise to take care of yourself too alright? Take medicine if you're unwell (Don't be stubborn!) and get loads of rest. I love you so so much.

I made a huge mistake doing that today. If anything, I would wanna turn the clock back and realise what a dumb choice it was. I'm sorry. I'll definitely bear the consequences if need be and won't drag you down with me. I'm afraid though, really really afraid of what lies ahead. Just two more weeks and the verdict will be out - What happens until then? Just waiting I guess, nothing much can be done. I'm honestly hoping nothing too serious happens. It's not time yet. This could possibly be that one biggest wrong step I've ever taken and I'm sorry. Please God, although I ain't a devout believer, even if you hate me, help me.




Stop it.
Just stop with your fucking annoying attitude.

I get that you're stressed but you ain't the only one with problems so what gives you the right to throw tantrums at me? As a leader, you're supposed to guide us, not do everything on your own then blame it on us - for not having done our parts well.
Maybe it's because YOU don't bother to communicate with us about the project, that's why we don't get a single shit you're doing.

To be honest, you're a great worker, not a great leader. Get an attitude change before your future bosses fire your fucking ass in every job.

You blame me for organizing a rehearsal then not turning up for school.
Do you even bother asking me if i'm okay?
Do you even bother asking what happened?
You just send me a text, calling me irresponsible and assuming i won't turn up for the rehearsal.
Hah, i will turn up for that rehearsal even if i get knocked down by another car. Even if i shit my pants trying to get to school.

Speaking of which, when i did get knocked down, you were ANGRY that i didn't come to school.
PW is important to you, i guess a friend isn't as important right?
I'm sure if i had died in that accident, you'd just be angry that i didn't turn up for school.
Now i get why JR doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
It's your own fault, not JR's. You're just too selfish a person. I give up trying to be nice to you. Because well, it just isn't worth it.

Fuck you and your attitude. I really dislike you right now.
A leader doesn't just assert her authority, she leads by example. She leads by being friends with her subordinates. That's what makes a leader successful.

God bless you. I hope you just stay however you are.
Enough with trying to be nice to you. After PW ends, this will end as well.



Check out sleeping beauty ;)

So there i was, minding my own business (trying to study econs for monday) and i see amelia sleeping like a log :(

I wanna sleep like that too. Screw promos :(

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Cause you're the apple to my pie,

You're the straw to my berry,

You're the smoke to my high,

And you're the one I wanna marry~

ITS ANNOYING YET ADDICTING ALL AT THE SAME TIME. JUST LIKE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. ANNOYING YET, YOU CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF 'EM.

My lil' bro is too adorable, he asked me what i wanted for christmas today aww :')

One more bloody week to promos.

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I had so much fun today, studying at KAP and meeting myzah as well as bumping into many AC people! Headed for dinner at korean restaurant with juicy beef yummmm guess who was the big chef? HAHAHAHA

Udders ice cream wasn't nice :(

I prefer Baskin Robbins 10000x more cause its so creamy and smooth.

Falling asleep soon and hopefully eating dimsum tomorrow! FOOOOOOD (L)

One more week to promos, gotta pull up my socks and work hard. Afterwhich, i'll definitely play hard. SO DAMN HARD ;)

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