Giving up seems easy. It's just like flying a kite that's going hard and fast against the wind, out of your control, and at that point, letting go and giving up of the kite seems like the easiest way out. Right now, I want to let go of my kite as well. I don't seem to know where I'm going anymore in life. I'm uncertain, afraid, lost and simply unhappy. Today in Literature class, I asked Ms Jay whether we owe our lives to our parents, don't we get to do the things we want? Why do we need to please them? She said, you'll understand the pain your parents went through, trying to raise a child when you get older. I know I can't expect perfect parents and I love them the way they are, but F once told me this - Yes it's true that you owe your parents a lot, but not to the extent of living your life FOR them. Why do people have kids? Isn't it out of selfish reasons? So that in the future there's someone to take care of you?

Yeah. I guess he's right.
Being a lawyer, doctor, someone who earns big bucks - that's all just to please my parents. I do want material possessions (Money, A big car, a pretty house with many people waiting on me and all the food I can eat) but is it worth working so hard, doing something I wouldn't enjoy? Just for material goods? How about the non-material stuff?
As I grow older, I start to lose confidence in myself. I can't seem to do anything right at this point and it irks me. What happened to that girl who didn't give a damn to what people think? It's hard now, because people all around judge you. It's easy to say "Nah I don't care about what people think" but I do. I don't want to become a burden to people, by pouring my troubles out to them all the time cause heck, they would have their own things to worry about.

It's ridiculous. I'm only seventeen. There's so much more I haven't seen and done and yet, I'm already feeling so pressurized. What has happened to the world? Haha. It's so bloody stupid.

I know I've gotta pick myself up, get a grip and press on.

I know I'm a lucky girl, and instead of harping on the things I don't have, why not look at what I do? But it's hard, considering how the negatives always outweigh the positives.

 I just need something to "click" inside of me, to finally piece everything together and realize what it is I want from myself.


new past